If you didn't read Part 1, you might want to go back so you don't get confused….
So here I am at this conference headed into a time of prayer with people I have never met. Not anticipating much, not letting my hopes get up so I won't be disappointed.
The people praying for the 10-12 of us in the room just pray and walk up to folks as the Spirit led, asked the person their name and would pray. One by one they prayed and you knew as they went that they were pretty spot on. As they prayed for me there was nothing noticeable to say “This is it!” There was just a quiet in my heart that said “Yes, I am there. Yes, I need that. Yes, I want that.”
After I got home I realized in the car especially my body wasn’t all cranked up. At church it didn’t feel so hard to set my heart into worship. As the week went by I realized my body still wasn’t cranked up.
I didn’t say anything to anyone. I didn’t want to rejoice that the Father set me free only to realize it was for a short time.
I did find myself desperate to stay as far away from anything that might veer me off course or wreck what I had. I felt I had been handed a gift that may never come again and I didn’t want to lose it.
I finally told my best friend after church one day and we rejoiced in prayer over the gift of strangers who were brother and sisters in Christ praying what the Holy Spirit led them to. The gift I still can’t fully explain that set me free from what my body had been doing for the past 5 years. There was a disconnect from my body to my brain. I felt at rest finally.
Did my brain still from time to time think dumb stuff I shouldn’t? Yup. Do I still have to be diligent with the internet and my phone? Yup. But I could finally worship Him and not worry that my body would be so cranked up I had to go to Target and out to eat and wander around until it calmed down. I had literally changed my schedule because Saturday night church then going home right after felt too hard.
What I found the next week was a new fear, waking in the night thinking “Did I do anything I shouldn’t have today?” Afraid I may have shipwrecked myself by not spending time with Him enough, or prayed long enough. Afraid if I somehow pursued some errant thought to far I would lose the gift of rest I have found.
I finally confessed this to my friend and asked for prayer. I needed to be reminded this gift was given by Him and if I somehow lose it, it will be again up to Him to have His will carried out in my life. I did nothing to gain this gift, I just need to operate how He calls me to and He will guard my heart and life like He has done the past 5 years.
I wanted to share this with the blog world for those of you who have followed my story over the years, for those of you who may be new and unaware… the message is the same. God is good. If He had not set me free from this struggle, He is still good.
I say this because I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to hear people talk about how they used to struggle with something then God set them free. I honestly would get angry that God had not done that for me. I did not feel encouraged by those who would say “God must know you can handle it to let you go through this.” In the back of my mind when I heard “God is good, He gives good gifts” The enemy would say “Does He?”
It was one of the most difficult lies to fight.
I am continually reminded that I no longer have to fight my body but there are countless who do. Those trapped in addictions that for the rest of their lives they may have to fight. I pray for them daily. I pray for them everytime I am reminded that I have found this place of rest He has gifted to me. I pray that He would encourage them. I pray He would send people into their lives when it is hardest to hear their hearts. People willing to sit with them when being alone feels to hard. My prayer is that His presence would be felt and His will would be attractive. I say that because it is really easy to see how sin may feel easier and in that there is an attraction we cannot even realize in those moments. My prayer is that the people who struggle with things would see that struggling isn’t sin. Participating in the sins is sin. I pray for grace filled friends who would remind them of simple truths when the lies are loud. I pray for people to walk with them in the messy and the good. For scripture to ring in their hearts and minds.
I am thankful for people who have texted me last week excited for me as I have shared this news. I must confess I still feel hesitant to be too loud about it…I sure don’t want to ever say the situation has changed. As I started the last blog…I have a gift that I am cherishing. But I want to let my friends know, to take it down off the shelf and show you, hoping that you would be just as excited as I am. So thank you for reading. May the Father fill you with Faith for the things that are hard and you may struggle with. May he grant you freedom from it.
Whether He sets us free in this life or not from the things the flesh, may we glorify Him with our lives knowing ultimate and eternal freedom is ours in Christ.
Be His. His hands are the best place to ever be.
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