I am not sure how many of you have things you write and share on a regular basis so this may not apply. I have lots of things I have written in my head while driving or cooking or random other times, yet as I sit down to get them out they seem stuck. Welcome to the life of someone who tries to be transparent via the world wide web, It gets stuck. So it has been a hot minute since my last post. I moved houses, have been sick, traveling, busy with house projects and my brain has just been a bit full.
There have been some blogs and life updates in the past I have been slow to post. Some things feel close to my heart and to put them on the WWW feels too vulnerable. Not that I am afraid that you all might find out, but that once I post them for everyone else somehow they would lose their power in my heart or somehow feel less special. However I have found that the best gifts are often the ones you want everyone to know about.
Like Christmas morning you get that special thing and can’t wait to show your best friend down the street after you have made sure every family member in your home has had it sufficiently shoved in their face out of your excitement. I have typically been the type to hold the gift in my hands and put it away in my room to share with my friends when they come over. Maybe it is fear that if I share it with someone I will find my excitement and joy met with confusion and disdain. Perhaps they won’t find it exciting or cool, that they will think it stupid or foolish, or not as cool as I think it is. That feels way too hard, so sometimes I end up enjoying it in my quiet way and treasuring it without telling too many people.
So for these reasons I feel guarded in sharing gifts I’ve received that create excitement, joy, or deep gratitude. Thankfully, the world wide web gives a buffer zone in between you and me so I don’t see your face, or hear your words you may not share in comments, emails or texts. Sometimes this buffer is why I share hard or even really good things I may not typically share in person to “whoever” may read these things. My last post being a HUGE example.
This very buffer also becomes difficult because I can’t see your face or hear your words when you are encouraged or have nice things to say. I would love to hear these things (who wouldn’t like to hear good stuff? 🙂
So I fling my thoughts on the blog into cyber world and leave the comments and sharing up to you readers… and pray the effects of my words out in the world wide web would be honoring to Jesus and the ripples would be eternal in some way.
Here comes another close to my heart post. I will try to make it short (Tooooo late, I know)
After my last post I got feedback from some of you, mostly about the courage to post such hard things. I know in October I posted the audio of my 4th day talk I gave at the East Alabama Walk my friend Bruce was Lay Director for. I think standing up in front of a group of people talking about the things that have been hard for me was one of the hardest things I have ever done. In some ways it felt like someone might feel being in AA or NA or Drug Rehab…bringing things into the light. During my talk I wanted people to know that when we sin and feel broken it is ok. It is ok to be in process as long as we are FIGHTING. Too often we find the stories told are stories of victory, of being done with a struggle, stories many of us may find we cannot relate to because we are not there. Rarely do I experience total instantaneous freedom. In the 5 years I have dealt with this I have found my story to just be different than I wished, but like many others…it’s a marathon of work and trust and faith and failures.
To have to stand up in front of strangers and people I have known from Auburn or my old church or even as a Missionary in Honduras and lay my heart- the good and the bad- out on the table was hard. I longed to be one of those people to stand up and say “The Father has given me victory in this! I don’t have to say this is a temptation and struggle for me anymore!” My talk in October was not that. It was I am fighting, I am asking Him over and over again to help me daily beat this. Asking for forgiveness, getting back up, trying to walk with Him and not turn to what my SELF wanted. I was begging for practical daily helps, a way for each day to not feel so Impossible.
In December I began to find practical helps. Through Covenant Eyes I found a 40 day daily email with practical videos and articles that clearly explained connection between heart, eyes, brain and soul. I finally had a clear understanding of why some days felt impossible in my body when I had done nothing but pursue the Father in scripture, worship and prayer. Understanding triggers could be super simple and began processes in my brain that affect my body and I had not even realized my boat was headed for the waterfall and it was almost impossible to stop it except for just short of going over the falls. Finding these resources brought a new hope to my heart in a practical way. I understood how to daily do new things to combat my crazy body and train my brain new pathways to healing. I had a plan and daily goals and steps.
But the failures continued.
It felt lonely, overwhelming and my hope began to die. My disappointment grew. I stopped trying to talk to the couple of people who have even been willing to walk with me in this. Outside of those couple of people, no one ever asked how I am in this, so I just didn’t bring it up. To anyone anymore.
I settled into what felt like obedient resignation. I would never be free of the struggle against my body that led to struggle daily in my mind and vice versa. I didn’t pursue things I shouldn’t, but my crazy body just made it too hard to say no to the things I shouldn’t participate in. So I would do my best to stick to the practical things I needed to in order to protect myself from what I could, but I wasn’t ever planning to find victory in this.
I stopped praying fervently, I stopped worshipping fervently, I stopped spending time with Him like I loved. It made my body not so worked up and just felt easier. I did the bare minimum I felt my body could handle. I read a devotion, talked to the Lord mostly on behalf of the needs of the world and others, sang in the car but it wasn’t deep. It wasn’t refreshing. It wasn’t fully committed in heart.
Then came a trip to Toledo for a short conference about prayer.
I almost didn’t go. But my hotel was non refundable and I didn’t have to drive so I went.
It sure didn’t go like I thought it would.
Super short version:
They sang some of my old school Rita Springer that I loved back in the day and still do.
Some of them shared scripture in their talks, which is my favorite.
I was reminded of when I began to learn so much about the Holy Spirit and saw Him teach and lead me into deeper walk with Him.
It ended in prayer time for the participants.
Prayer for me. By strangers. Who knew nothing of me or my life.
Honestly I went into this prayer time guarded and expecting nothing but the same words I have been praying for years. Fervently begging for the last year and a half especially.
What I found was some of the same words I have prayed and my friend has prayed over me.
What I found was freedom.
Quiet and Undramatic.
But Freedom. As in Free. Dom. (two words there)
For the sake of trying to not be a 40 minute read…I will share more in a post in the next couple of days. But it’s good stuff.
Til then Be His. Jesus is a pretty great one to belong to.
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