It’s Thursday night at 9:27. I just left the team house after sharing my testimony with a group from a high school. A bunch of kids probably thinking they have nothing in common with a “missionary”. I took my shower and now I lay here thinking about the events of the past week and the events coming the next few days.
It’s nothing like I planned or expected.
I’m leaving here Sunday morning for more than a month. And my heart hurts.
It seems that my abdominal pain that I had back in the day before my gallbladder left, and then reappeared in a major way summer of 2012 is back. And it’s not being nice. Last week I spent 3 days basically drugged trying to sleep. Today I spent most of the day fighting. It just won’t leave. So I’ve finally caved in to common sense and changed my buddy pass flight to Monday. Praise The Lord for no charge to change.
But it’s not what I had in mind. I was going to be here two more weeks then go home on a trip to renew my visa.
I have fought feeling like I am a failure. Like a quitter.
I have felt isolation. For two days I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to listen to my sweet friends speaking truth to me. I was mad at The Lord for not fixing this like I wanted. I really didn’t even want to talk to Him.
But as always scripture broke me down. Verses from a bible study I just finished and a video from Bufanda with her child quoting her memory verse. Gods word just breaks through every time.
I am not in charge. I don’t know best. I have to continue to trust in His love. And ask Him to give me both (love and trust). Because I can’t do either without Him.
I am aware many of the things in the previous statements are no brainers but I needed to put that out there because we all know when we are in the middle of things we tend to lose common sense sometimes.
So I told the kids tonight how God saved me and used me. And asked me to do stuff and I said yes. And here I am. I told them life is hard. But He is faithful. I told them to compare themselves to no other person but put their eyes in Christ. And find the woman at the well that’s waiting to hear the truth of the gospel. To pursue Him. And even when life seems overwhelming He is in control. I only cried twice while talkin to em. Haha
So now I look at tomorrow being the last day with my girls. Saturday I go drop off and pick up a new team. Sunday I go to Teguc to spend the night (sharing a taxi Sunday) and then Monday fly home. And MD appt on Tuesday.
My heart hurts because I will miss my girls.
My heart hurts because I love them.
My heart hurts because I’m selfish and don’t wanna have God work it out this way.
I don’t like doctor visits.
I don’t wanna have to figure out how or if the insurance will or may reimburse me for whatever is coming.
And I know that my heart will hurt because I have to leave my stateside friends and family next month.
I don’t wanna have to trust Him more.
But He knows this. And His love wins. It wins my heart and turns me to Him. He’s what I have.
He’s already orchestrated so much. People to stand and fill in gaps. A buddy pass to fly home that turns out I don’t have to pay to change. To provide a ride. And a ride from the airport. A place to stay. Company. Encouragement. Challenge. Basically being the body of Christ. To be with my family and my #village. Even if not in the way I planned. Provision. In His way.
So please pray for me. Not for my pain to go away but for them to figure out why it’s hurting THEN it can go away. Forever. 🙂 and for the funds for not only my trip but my medical bills to be taken care of just how God always does his thing.
Please pray for my girls. I love them. I will miss them. Ask God to speak love loudly to their hearts (everyday whether I’m here or not). And all the staff and kids at Emmanuel.
Please pray for the politics involved in the electricity situation here. That The Lord would be glorified in what is goin on and the gospel would be shared with the President on down through it. (Another story for another day…but we can pray)
Pray that God is glorified in the midst. That it wouldn’t be about me. But simply about Him. Always Him.
Love you peeps out there. Grateful for your part in the gospel work here and around the world. You bless me.
Be His.
PS-And I’m still hoping my 5k training isn’t in vain. I want a tshirt and I will run somewhere. Even though I’ve run um, short of a mile in the past week. Prayin I can get back to it and the lower altitude will be like butter 🙂
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