Let me start with this:
The Lord knows what He is doing and is perfect in His timing.
I have a hard time blogging about here. I find myself limited to what I can say to the cyber world because I don’t want to put faces and stories of my girls out there when its not really everyone’s business. These are their lives and I don’t want to lessen their dignity or make them some sort of exhibition at the zoo when readers come to visit. There are already many false assumptions about this place and these kids and I don’t want to do anything to bolster those assumptions. I don’t want things blown out of proportion or misunderstood. And I don’t want to whine about how difficult things are here. (Who wants to read a whiny blog?) And some difficulties I cannot post because I know some of you who read will come here. Or some of you live here. So I am hesitant to talk about some things.
But in that hesitancy I don’t want to mislead you. I don’t want you to miss out on some of the difficulties. Because it is in those moments that The Lord shows Himself strong. And the Holy Spirit shows His creativity. So here is the last 24 hours.
Last night I laid in the bed at 10:30 and I was DONE. I felt completely done with this place. This week has been a relatively good week. Team here adds a little flavor. Good times with my girls. Work getting done in the office. Things moving along. But my medical issue remains lingering. I’m tired of not feeling good. I’m tired of not sleeping well. I’m tired of walking in my house and having volunteers as me things they normally would ask me in the office during my work day if I didn’t live with them. Tired of feeling like I can’t rest or turn off from the day. I’m tired of one of my roommates turning on the light at night or at 430 in the morning on days I’m half asleep or can sleep another hour. The banging of the cabinet door as they get their things out. (And I’m not super sensitive- it’s loud banging). I’m tired of not understanding what people say around me. The girls. My coworkers in my yard. Some of the volunteers in my own house. (It’s hard to build community when you have half a clue what’s going on around you). And I’m tired of trying so hard to learn another language. And comprehend. And listen so hard . I’m tired of simple things being made more difficult because people are people and its easier not to do things correctly. Or excellently. Especially with my teenagers! Or because here things are just more difficult. And take longer. And you go on wild goose chases for the smallest of things.
So in my reluctance to sound Whiney or whatever negative word you want to say I have failed to simply ask for prayer. It feels selfish. Asking for things is hard for me.
Last night I felt like I had said all I could say to The Lord and was getting nowhere. So I finally texted a few folks and expressed my feelings. Not expecting any grand words of wisdom. Or any response since i knew it was almost midnight or later in the states. Just prayers for The Lord to once again show Himself strong when I need Him desperately. Finally at some time shortly before midnight I fell asleep. But The Lord was already at work…a friend texted me around 9 to tell me she was thinking of me and praying. Just out of the blue…
Then this morning I woke to an email from a villager. Who had no idea how I felt last night. Someone I hear from every once in awhile. Telling me what she thought of my time here and that she is praying. And sent me a link to John Piper devotional. (I will include at the bottom). And then about 20 minutes later another villager currently in another country texted me. Just the Lord’s way of telling me what He needs to tell me.
But it didn’t change the fact that I still wanted to get on the plane with the team leaving today to go to Auburn for a few days. For Internet that works in a timely manner and a bath. And no one asking me questions very five minutes or more. To speak English with someone and laugh about how crazy life is and can be. To hopefully get well.
But it did speak to my heart. A reminder of how I really really do feel. In my heart.
So now I sit here in the yard while the girls clean their houses and I wait. I wait to see what else the day holds and trust. Trust in the Holy Spirit to give me what I need exactly when I need it. For Him to be strong in all of my weakness. To take these moments in and not wish they were any different. To stand and fight for what is true and right and holy. And pray for sleep tonight and rest tomorrow.
And as always to stand before the throne of grace. To intercede for you at home and the things you have going on. As we Trust the Lord’s perfect plan for our lives.
At the end of the day I am grateful for the moments that are sweet and the ones that are difficult. They make me come to Him. To rejoice and in need. I am grateful for your kindness, generosity, and prayers. I’ve gotten weepy over the emails, comments, and texts this morning. And no it’s for no other reason than The Lord showing his love through the body.
So last night is a hard and stinky day/time. But The Lord is King and sovereign even over that.
Here’s the link to the post Mere sent me: http://dsr.gd/1f58870
Sorry for the lack of scripture references. It’s just hard to do it on my phone. 🙂
Be His.
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