I’ve written this post several times in several different ways and just haven’t gotten it done and posted. So in some ways it will just be unfinished. But I felt like I should post it because it’s just how life was and now is.
So here I sit on the porch again. It’s Tuesday night. I hear the band in the distance practice for church tomorrow- currently singing 10,000 reasons, and Luci behind me in the big house teaching her house for their evening devotion. Ad my heart is just settled.
When I was in the states I had a lot of unrest. I woke up sick to my stomach several mornings. I was worn out. My heart felt unsettled and my mind was continually in prayer. For my people at home in the states with issues going on, my peeps back home in #theRas, and Kalli as The Lord lead her to some awesome places last week. And for the realization of where I have been prior to my trip home.
Let me try to explain. Several weeks before I went home I realized my heart was in a place it shouldn’t be. I had become closed off and in a lot of ways selfish. I didn’t want to step out of my small space and give.
When I got to my stuff in the US I got out the book I had been reading “Embracing Obscurity” and The Lord laid it on me. I’m like the guy in the book who explains that he is the guy watering the lawn with a sprayer on his hose. Deciding which plants to pour water on, how much, when, and if at all or not. Depending on our mood, how tired we are, how annoyed, how fill in the blank… We may or may not speak, pray, invest in others. Afraid that if we do this now we won’t have energy, words, or whatever for later and what may come. So we selfishly hoard our kindness, prayers,time, energy, and other intangibles. Instead we should be like the soaker hose in the yard…just giving. Indescremently. I should trust that if I pour out The Lord can and will fill up or empower me for whatever else may come later in the day. It’s all His power, wisdom, fruits,etc anyway. Or it should be.
What I read was a good summary of my life prior to my trip to the states. I was ridiculous, selfish and just prideful in my hesitancy and fear. I wasn’t trusting The Lord to do the work and just pour out. To be available.
So I returned knowing I just had to walk differently. Live differently. Love differently. It doesn’t make it harder. I just have to be more diligent with some things and some intentions. It has been good and has made the days richer.
I have people here at Emmanuel asking me all the time when I am leaving. I have people in the states asking when I am coming home. For now I am home. I know this is the place I am called for this time. No matter how difficult, hot, frustrating it can be. I find my heart more settled here. And I find a quiet joy as I walk through my days.
I’ve been blessed to be able to have the funding to be here so far. I have begun to pray that those who support me here would continue to do so in order for me to remain. And for others to join me as I see my future is here. With current need to leave to renew my visa every four months and pay out of pocket medical expenses when I am home in December I will have need to replenish my furlough (being home in the states) account. My plan is to begin the residency process next fall. For now, this is my home.
And I need your prayers. I need them so much. I cannot do this alone. I can’t do this at all. With the Holy Spirit speaking and Christ’s victory I walk through each day. That’s the only way it gets done. So thank you. And please keep them coming.
I am blessed. So blessed by each of you. Your partnership in the body of Christ. Your encouragement. Your prayers. Your walking with me in this life. I’m grateful.
Be His-
Andi
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