I wrote this over a month ago. But it echoes my heart even a month later….
There are moments like this one right now. Sitting on the porch of the big girls yard laundry. Waiting. Watching the clouds sweep across the sky lower and faster than one would imagine they should. The wind blowing ferociously for minutes and then the still. And I sit and listen to the sounds of the girls in the house. Some singing. Some talking. Some yelling….one special needs girl hates taking a shower. And I read in my book about the Holy Spirit. And how too often we “forget” him. And I cannot imagine what that looks like. To not have Him in my life. To not depend on and talk with Him all day long. Some days desperately so.
Earlier as I was walking from one house to the other to lock and unlock doors as girls came back from the kitchens and homes they work in I could only think of how this just IS. And how The Lord led me here. And how the Holy Spirit spoke continually to my heart and my mind about the process of being here. How since i have been here there have been days I thought my heart would burst from anger over sins or joy or just sadness that being in the midst of my 97 girls who often cannot trust a single person with much of anything, He was there. He is here. Reminding me of truth. Sending someone to pray with me when I am desperate to just stand before The Lord with someone else to ask Him to do his work in this world. He is there. He is here.
I cannot imagine life not knowing how the Spirit is living and active in my life. In His word. Speaking. Rending. Comforting.
I am grateful. For the days that I stand here alone in the middle of this campus and feel so small. For the moments that continually come that I am in over my head. He is here. And I see things a little more like He does. And less like I did.
This thought is no different than thoughts I had at home. Sometimes I just think it new or fresh because location is different. Just like trees and flowers seem so beautiful on vacation. Then you come home to realize the same tree is in your backyard….
I am grateful for coming here exactly when I did. To meet those I met when I met them. For the legacy that has been left by those who just went home. For the challenge that this place brings. The standard that has been set in my heart to speak truth in love to these girls. A standard that seems much too high. But high enough for Him to do in me.
I fail miserably some days in just being Jesus. To my girls. To my volunteer housemates. To my friends. To staff here. But I’m thankful for a gracious Father who knows and forgives. And calls me to try again. To the race set out before me. It is a marathon. May I be faithful to just follow Him one step at a time.
Be His.
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