I said this weekend I wouldn't post much this week but my heart is full and I want to somehow share it. So as usual…hang on for possible random train of thought.
As I sit here and type this I cannot help but feel that somehow today has been the first day that I have felt HERE. It's hard to explain but if you could see my heart and how it feels you would understand. There have been many days here that I felt like an outsider. Like I would never fit in. I understand that in a lot of ways I will never fit in. But as I walked to the volunteer house from the Big Girls Comedor I thought today has been a good day because I finally feel settled.
This weekend my heart was stirred up- an unrest in my heart about things that did not belong. Because I am often unable to understand things the first time around God has to 1. Say things FOURTEEN times 2. Say them sometimes progressively louder and if that doesn't work 3. Whisper them in such a way that it gets my attention. It was a combination of all of those things that occurred yesterday.
Church was super short- There is a team here and one of the men from the church group preached. We got out a good 45 minutes before normal. This meant more down time. Right now I have decided to set aside Sunday as a no big girl yard day. I love my girls but I need some down time. Especially after how they behaved Saturday afternoon with me during my favorite time here- the cleaning of the dining room. Anyway. I took time to get in the Hammock. Read. Nap. Listen. And somewhere in the quiet the Lord spoke to the places in me where Pride exists. It was just a hint. But it made me see things differently.
Then late yesterday one of the volunteers-Amy and I listened to a sermon that her brother did. It was one of those stories that we have probably heard repeatedly. But then one time (like yesterday) it becomes and your heart hears it. It was from Luke 7. Her brother explained the proabable motives of Simon. His plan to invite Jesus yet keep distant. Just to play it safe. And he explained how the woman- a prostitute came to be at the same dinner. And I saw for the first time the vast difference between those two people. How desparate one was to protect himself. How one was desparate for what she could not do. To give what she could seeking help. And she believed in such a way it lead to her salvation. She wanted to pour out what she could and in return her Faith saved her.
After listening to that Amy and I went on a walk. My mouth rambled aimlessly for about 20 minutes and at the end of it I couldn't tell you why in the world I said what I did. I felt as though it was a waste of Amy's brain cells.
But I realized in the midst of the moments later that there was something that I let go of. My new understanding led me to a place of being more empty. A place that I could not have gotten to without the Lord drawing me there. Slowly speaking love, truth, and rebuke to my heart. But not a crushing rebuke that just leaves you heartbroken and a mess (in a bad way) but a rebuke that makes you just thankful.
And as I laid down in my bed last night I heard 1 Corinthians 1 on my ipod- the same passage from David Platt last sunday. But in the middle of the almost being asleep/awake I only heard the last verse… "Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord." And I completely woke up and smiled. Thankful for the echo in my heart of understanding. Of remembering how it was in my heart to be that woman desparate to pour out what I had for him. Regardless of what others think. What they could think. What I think they might think. To be free of those things that entangled my heart so tightly. That held me to be sometimes passive. Sometimes halfhearted. Thankful for the rest from it.
I know full well I am prone to pick those things back up. But being aware of what those things are I am praying the Lord would shine his light of "There it is" before or soon after I decide to take those things up again.
So today as the day went by I just saw things differently. There are many things that happened the same as Saturday. As Friday. As the day before. Some the same as tomorrow. But I thankfully, gratefully see them differently. Some of that God vision that I always ask for.
Then today there was a girl who was sent home. For reasons that I cannot share here. But one of my girls. She was one of those who frustrate me but she was quiet about it. And as days have gone by I have wondered what her deal was. Well, events of this weekend lead to her being sent home with her mother. It broke some of the other girls hearts. Some of them are angry at the leaders because she was sent home. Some are just missing her. It breaks my heart for the circumstance. The way that that girl allowed Satan to speak lies to her. To make her think that her behavior was the way to go. I don't know the reasons why she did what she did. But I know that somehow she decided she needed to do it. And it made me angry.
The anger that I think Jesus must have had when he flipped the tables. The angry at the sin but not the sinner. Angry at the sin that entangles us. And for awhile I didn't know what to do with it. And still somehow don't know what to do. But I know I will set it at the feet of the one who knows all. Stand at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to take care of it. For the Father's way. And love on kids again. And keep loving on them.
In the midst of the afternoon- the learning spanish with kids getting loud and repeating themselves over and over and over, the wrestling a kid to the ground to show her that maybe I am stronger than she thinks, the sharing random life moments- the baked beans and potatos and rice. The spanglish.
It was just settled. Heart full and settled.
Grateful for your prayers. As I walked home up the hill I HATE in front of our house I thought that when we get to heaven I would love to see the prayers prayed on my behalf today. It just feels like one of those days that I am covered. Short and sweet or long and drawnout…covered. And I am blessed. So blessed. Because today was just HIM. Grateful.
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