Yep. Pretty sure that unsureity is not a word. But it is what I wanna say, so I am going to make up a word. I wanted to update some of you on the journey that I have been on for, welllll, my whole life. I'll just catch you up.
When Christmas week came and I decided it was time to leave Arbor Springs I was pretty sure. Then the month-5 weeks working my notice came. It was hard. To leave something I loved, poured my heart into, time into, and shared a lot of time with some great people, serving some fine folks was hard. But along the way I was reminded that it was the Lord.
And now I am on this path to grad school (again) and I am in waiting mode. Waiting for the letter to arrive that I am actually in graduate school. Then the waiting on financial aid to arrive. (Pray for FREE money). And waiting on finishing the work-hello 2 years, not one like I thought. And the doubts come. Perhaps this ISNT what I am supposed to do. Perhaps I AM supposed to do something crazy like GO?
A couple of weeks ago I finally voiced this out loud to a human. And she said she wanted me to be happy. And I just said that I want to do what God wants me to do. That is the only way I Will be happy. But what is that? And as I sat and talked out loud to another friend in my world She challenged me with option 2 in the process (or maybe options 2 and 3). Tears. Silence. More questions. (Have i mentioned that i cry a lot of times when I get really frustrated? Especially if I am frustrated and have to talk? It was a very quiet discussion)
Then David Platt and Brook Hills stepped in. Passage from Matthew. John the Baptist- the may who preached and proclaimed the coming of Christ was in prison. And he suddenly had doubts about who Jesus was. So he sent some guys to ask Jesus if he really was who he said he was? Jesus answer- Yes. WHAT? JOHN THE BAPTIST had doubts? Hello? NO stinkin WAY.
But yes he did. But what i realized in the midst of this and then a later reading of Matthew where Peter stepped out of the boat- went down- Jesus got him- said "you of little faith, why do you doubt?" That John the Baptist and Peter DID doubt. They questioned. And it was OK.
Their faith led to questions. I don't know if God would agree with me but I think that Doubt comes because we have faith. Just sometimes too little. But faith is there. Doubt is not UNBELIEF. You might term doubt unbelief. But doubt to me implies a little bit of belief lies there. Other wise it would just be called unbelief.
Peter had faith, he got out of the boat, but he was distracted, and His faith was too small. He suddenly doubted. I don't think Jesus said what he said to Peter condemingly, I think he laughed. Peter, the guy who jumped out of the boat, and walked, then sank. Kind of like teaching a kid to ride a bike- who does it and realizes you let go of the seat and freaks out and crashes. You still love your kid. And you want your child to trust you and believe what you say and do. You can't yell at your kid for crashing, but thank him for trusting you.
I dont' know where I am going with this. Just know- I am sure that i am unsure of my future. But God the Almighty is not. So I hold onto the faith I have in the one who redeemed me, set me free, has my future in His hand. Whether today it feels large or small- it is faith. Call me a doubter- that is ok. i know who to go to for the answers and am working on asking Him to give me the answers.
I hope you do to.
Grace. Peace. and The Almighty to Lead you and I both.
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