I’ve spoken on it in the blog before and I probably will again at some point. Isolation and feeling disconnected are a struggle for me here. I am surrounded by people and some days I feel like I haven’t spoken to anyone in forever. Conversations that don’t revolve around my kids. My work. But maybe just Jesus. And laughin about stupid stuff.
I have one friend that we “meet” every week to do bible study on the phone and last week I bailed out on her. I was tired and not feeling so great and I felt I had little to offer in anyway that would be remotely beneficial or encouraging and I didn’t feel like I could even pray so I bailed. And I’ve regretted it ever since.
I failed to let the truth of God’s word speak to my heart through a sister who isn’t afraid to speak it. I failed to be honest in my struggle and it’s only made the struggle harder this past week. I sit to read my bible and my brain cannot focus. My prayers seem to run into my metal ceiling after starting “I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what to say….”
I don’t know how to even begin to explain to anyone how this feels here. To interrupt sports practices and games and vacations with a text that sounds needy and selfish. Even to ask for prayer. I signed up for this. I should have known it was coming. The Bible says it. I should’ve been prepared.
Yet my Father pursues me. A text with truth is echoed on a webpage I read. The chapter in the book I’m reading on God being our banner and He fights for us, in us, is echoed in another webpage. A tweet. A bracelet on one of my kids arms.
But there are realities that I need to face. A balance I must find. My friends and family at home cannot understand what life is here. I cannot expect them too. And I’m trying to figure out the balance between sharing my life and just suckin it up and walking through my life with Him. How to not have my feelings hurt that I am missing out on life in the states because I am here. How to not feel like life is passing by because I am not doing those fun things I see everyone posting on Facebook. How to not be jealous that almost everyone in America gets a a 2 day break from work every 5 days and not 1 day every 20.
So I start drawing lines that feel safe. Stop looking at Facebook (it annoys me anyway only showing me 40 people I know and some only barely). Comparison can be a killer. And right now it’s eating my lunch.
So I won’t be on Facebook. I won’t see the funny. The photos. The prayer requests. The messages through FB. If you want me to know em please go old school. Email me or iMessage me. 🙂
I feel like I’m going back to snail mail and actual books. And maybe even a real conversation. Where someone can hear the hesitation in my voice and know what I’m thinking. Can hear the smile about what He is doing even when I feel like my heart has been squished flat. Life that has the only comparisons that I want to make are to becoming more like Him. And understanding quiet isn’t always such a bad thing.
And the lines that He draws for me are always safe because they draw me to Him. Even if they are scary. So I ask Him to pursue me. Even if it feels painful and scary. And I’ll continue to share the journey because you are my village and it’s what we do. Just won’t be doin it on Facebook.
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