This week has been a full week. And it’s only Tuesday morning at 12:34am. But starting a week off remembering 9-11 Ten years ago followed by a typical “Monday” at work makes a week feel long. That and it’s past midnight and I am wide awake.
I wanted to answer a question that comes up from time to time and some of you are thinking yet don’t feel courageous enough to ask (Because some of you would be appalled that the other some of you would even ask it to me). So I will answer it for all of you wonderers.
“Andi, do you want to be married?” or perhaps your question comes more in the form of “Andi, do you like boys?”
Second version first- no. Not boys. I am into Men these days. Boys was back in 1989 and that didn’t work out too well, waiting on my boyfriend’s brother to pick us up for our date because I was 14 and the guy I was “dating” was only 13, was just too time constraining.
Really. I am 37 years old. I don’t date. Much. Okay, hardly ever. I don’t talk about boys. Well, I do but not much. I don’t dress fufu. I don’t get all giddy and flirty. So some of you out there tend to ask yourself why. Welllllllllllll here’s the answers. In no specific order or importance.
Fufu tends to not be utilitarian. Or comfortable. I have some fufu clothes- they restrain free movement. And my cute shoes hurt the snot out of my feet and squish my toes into a point. Just not worth it most days. So I save it up for special occasions. And some days the fufu doesn’t hold up to my very active lifestyle. Moments of awkward flashing might occur. So I stay safe.
I don’t talk about boys or flirt or get all noticeably giddy because my eye is not on snagging me a man. My job is not to seek out a man. I cannot allow my role to be the one doing the seeking or the getting or the leading. Or that will translate into the rest of my relationship with that person and based on prior experience- I need the guy to lead and do the decision making. It just works best (and is biblical). But trust me, when the feeling hits I will get and do get giddy. Just most of the public won’t know about it. Trust me, He will. And my circle of trust folks. But as I tell people “You all won’t live vicariously through my love life.” Sorry. It’s just too much to share for my girly interior. But you can ask my friend Ryan who saw me being giddy over my boyfriend I snagged after the back to school 7th grade dance- I was giddy. As in “I will never not wear this sweater again.” Please note the relationship lasted about 9 days before he was on to someone else. But my sweet friend Ryan would probably tell you as she laughs about it- if she even remembers. But I do vividly.
I don’t date much because I cannot stand blind dates. My ideal situation is knowing someone for quite some time and that guy deciding he would like to date me. Past experience speaks truth to this. The most successful (of my obviously “failed”) relationships worked best in this mode. And if you want a laugh, just sit next to me and let me tell you about all the times I STUNK up the WESTERN hemisphere with my failing to break up well with someone. I break up worse than…. Well…. Than a lot of things.
I can undeniably tell you doubters out there that there I have dated. I have falled in love. I thought I had the man… There was a guy back in my Texas days that saw me share my story on stage one Mothers Day at church. He decided that day he liked me. Over a year later we actually had some positive interaction at a youth event. And some time later we began to hang out because we were both in the praise band at church. Meaning, we talked and joked when we got lost while practicing our cover songs for church with the praise band on Wednesday nights. We spent time going dutch to movies and sometimes group events. Spoke on the phone all summer while I was at camp. When I got back to town after camp it hurt to breathe when I thought about him. You can say I was in love. He wrote the sweetest notes/letters. Left them in the most creative locations during work and school. And drew the funniest little cartoons. Told the best stories. Liked music. Liked kids. Loved Jesus. But it didn’t work out. He couldn’t be the leader. I couldn’t trust him. In the end it was all too hard. It had to end. Not the fairy tale story we girls tend to want.
Except for the end part it was perfect. The way I want a relationship to develop. Over time without all the “so tell me about your parents” drama over an awkward table at OCharleys. And I KNOW the Lord is good. And He could work it out over that table…but my prayer has always been that He would work it out the other way. For that man to know my heart before he hears me ramble awkwardly over spinach dip alone somewhere in a restaurant. For that guy to hear my heart for the Lord more than the word vomit that can sometimes spew out of my mouth when I try to fill silence.
For those of you who have wondered. Who have questioned-why is Andi still single? Please know that I am ok with it. And I would be completely ok with a man who loves Jesus more than me coming along. And thank you for wondering. Thank you for wanting to find that someone for me. I appreciate your heart. For now I would ask you to do one thing- when I come to your mind, Pray. Ask the Lord to do what He will in my heart. And if that guy Is out there in His heart. That he would step up and be the leader. The man I know I need. For often days I don’t even pray much about it because then I will find myself wondering “Is this HIM?” Or is this the gathering where he will see me? Hmmmm so I ask you to pray for one of the few things that I don’t like to pray about. I just set it back in the Almighty Loving Hands of the Man who Holds My heart today. And if you know a guy who loves Jesus. More than you think he would love a girl. Then maybe have a party. Invite us both over. And then later think up some other event to have us around for. And see what happens…
And I believe. I know. When the time comes, when that guy comes, the fufu clothes will have more occasion to start coming out of the closet. But I will have to buy new shoes.
Until then…I'm gonna go sortof cute and comfortable.
Leave a Reply